Confidential (18+)

10 THINGS THAT SHOULD BE SEXY BUT AREN’T

58

Sexiness lies in the eyes of the beholder (and the hands of the deed-doer). However, some things that look sexy in every logical manner just aren’t that sexy.

SEX IN THE BATHTUB

Fizzy bubbles, lit candles and sexy music might seem like the perfect ambience for your romantic sexcapades, but sex in the bathtub isn’t as sexy as it is made out to be on the big screens. First of all, most standard bathtubs aren’t big enough to easily accommodate your antics. Secondly, the slippery soapy mess isn’t going to be much help when you’re in a tangle. Thirdly, the water isn’t the best of lubricants, especially when you are using a condom. Friction isn’t your best friend when it comes to sex. Bathtub sex doesn’t seem so sexy now, does it?

SEX IN THE POOL

Good luck finding a pool to canoodle in. But in case you have a personal pool or find a resort unhygienic enough to let you use their pool to bang in, it will not be as good as it seems on TV.. It isn’t the most hygienic thing to do, not for you (FYI people pee in pools) nor for the other people using the pool. Also, the water washes away the lubrication (natural) making for some rough grinding, and not the good type. Nevertheless, just for the kink factor alone (which is off the charts on this one), you can give it a shot if you get the chance.

SEX IN THE CAR

This might depend on the situation. A hot steamy quickie in the spur of the moment will get both your engines running. It might even be a good trick that will get your exhibitionist side revving. But apart from that, premeditated sex in a car is not advised. It’s cramped, the gearshift gets in the way… it’s not as sexy as it appears. Of course, this also depends on whether you drive a Maruti 800 or a Pajero.

SEX IN THE SHOWER

Onceagain, water reduces lubrication which leads to less than enjoyable sex (especially for her). Also, there aren’t too many positions that you can enjoy comfortably. You’re either bow legged like a new born giraffe or your girl is stretching to the point of getting cramps. Also, doing the dirty in the shower isn’t safe if your shower has a slippery floor. Stick to taking a sexy shower instead, or just some oral sex (fellatio and cunnilingus). Leave the horizontal tango for the bedroom.

BREATHING INTO HER EARS

The ears are full of sensitive nerve endings, so it is a very erogenous zone. In theory, some gentle breathing into the ears is very sexy; but people tend to overdo it. Often times, it’s just creepy and you end up panting into your partner’s ears and she’s forced to awkwardly act like she likes it.

WHIPPED CREAM

This isn’t unsexy per say, in fact licking whipped cream (or chocolate syrup) off of your partner’s body is as hot as it gets. Sadly, getting whipped cream or other sort of food items (especially sugars) in contact with the vagina can cause infections. That would be a terrible experience for your partner and would render the playground closed for a considerable period of time.

SPEEDOS

Unless you have a male model’s physique, the banana hammock isn’t your go to swimwear. (Goes double for male thongs or any tight sleazy entrapments you can get your hands on.)

VISITING THE STRIP CLUB

And by strip clubs, we mean dance bars because that’s the closest thing we have in Nepal. Shady pimps ushering you into a dark club lit with pink neon lights, Bollywood item songs blaring to which women with paunch bellies dance isn’t exactly the strip club experience you’d imagine. Apart from smelling like smoke and spending an unnecessary amount of money on overpriced booze you won’t be getting much quality entertainment here.

STRIPPING FOR HER

If you’re doing it for the laughs, then go ahead; but a man stripping off for a woman is not the sexiest thing you can do. That is unless you have killer abs and stripper dance moves under your sleeves.

TEARING OFF YOUR CLOTHES

Ripping off your clothes in the throes of passion might be incredibly spontaneous and sexy for the moment, but once the lights are back on and the moment has passed you’ll have ruined your clothes.

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