Then you see the guy. He is certainly elated to see you, but you can’t say the same for yourself. You realize that it’s that one guy you were with in the 7th grade and that bit about him borrowing your pen only to never return it. You don’t even know his name. So you get into a pointless conversation with him which mostly comprises of you saying “yeah”.

No one should be put in such a position. So, you should play your part to not put anyone in it.

But first, why would you even bother to? Well, chances are that you’ll eventually get an invitation you can’t avoid and have to go through the whole ordeal of being in a crowd where you know no one. So, it’s nice to latch onto someone rather than hang by the drinks table looking down on your phone.

Small talk can be mistaken for a trivial and mindless conversation. But see it like this, the guy you’re best friends with at the moment started with a hello and an inquiry about the weather. Small talks don’t have to be intellectually stimulating conversations, but is a starting point for such conversations. The game of dialogue is a stairway and this is the first step. You can’t just walk up to someone and hit them with a “What is life and why are we here?”

Now, there a few things you need to keep in mind before you take this first step. And remember: approach, and be approachable.

 LEAD THE CONVERSATION:

Muster your courage and walk up to the person, and it’s good to keep in mind that they’re as anxious as you are. So when you have said your hi’s and exchanged names, you need to act as the host. It is you who approached, not the other person.

Being active in leading the conversation means asking questions and answering them. But you need to do it in a way that does not dwindle down after a how-are-you and a what-do-you-do. To do this, lay the questions in a way that is a conversation, not an interview. So direct the conversation towards something around you. Such as:

• The bride looks beautiful.
• I love this song.
• It’s kinda warm today.

As unnecessary as this sounds, this is your segway into the conversation. Then, hit them about something about yourself after they reply:

• She’s actually a cousin of mine.
• I like how upbeat the drums are in it.
• I should not have worn this sweater, it’s way too hot.

Their answer will not vary more than “oh” at this point so you need encourage them to take part in the conversation:

• Are you on the groom’s side?
• Have you heard more of them?
• You seem to be fine, what are you wearing?

THE DREADED SILENCE

You’re not going to be best friends by just doing the above. Chances are high that a silence will follow after you say “ah” to their reply to your question. So before the crickets start to croak and the tumbleweed starts to roll, hit them with a comment:

• I am.

Ah, that explains why I have never seen you around.

• Not really, but I do like it as well.

You should check them out and they’re really cool.

• Just a shirt, nothing fancy.

Wow. How’d you even predict what the weather is gonna be like?

As you can see, you can mix comments and questions. However, you need to find the balance between them. Just comments will make it a one sided conversation; just questions will make it an interrogation.

QUESTIONS ABOUT QUESTIONS

We just said that questions are to be used sparingly. However, they are the key element that drives the conversation, and allows you to know what you have in common with the other person. So, at first, rely on easy questions that can be answered in one or two words. Then, basing on their reply, follow up with a question that lets them clarify their answer.

• So are you guys like brothers?

You can say that.

What was it like growing up with him?

• You like rock?

Not really.

Ah. And what made you like this song?

• So are you a meteorologist?

Yes.

Cool. What’s a usual work-day like?

The trick here is to keep the questions as open ended as possible. For instance, the go to question would be, “how many brothers or sisters do you have?” This’ll earn you no more than a number. So instead of that, say, “tell me more about your family.”

PEOPLE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES

By doing the above you will effectively turn the conversation towards them and talking about oneself is something everyone loves. From here on, you want to listen to them carefully. They may love to talk about themselves, but will only continue to do so if you pay attention. Doing so will also put you in a position to generate more questions. Ask them and proceed with a nice to and fro.

SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW

With just one song everyone has heard of, Gotye is really somebody that we used to know; much like that guy you used to sit next to in college. Catching up with such acquaintances brings up some peculiar things to keep in mind. You may have a very fuzzy memory of what they used to do, and probably clueless about what they are up to now. So use this as an excuse to talk and pass the time.

• When you’re not sure if they’re still dating the same person: What’s up with you and *insert name*?
• When you don’t know what they do for work: What have you been busy with these days?
• When you know they went somewhere, but not what for: What brought you out to *insert place* recently?

WHEN YOU DON’T REMEMBER SOMEONE’S NAME

• Exchange business cards
• Exchange emails
• Wait for the conversation to end and ask someone for their name
• At the end, introduce yourself again and chances are they’ll introduce themselves again
• Introduce someone to them and they will likely introduce themselves to the third person with their name
• Be inventive and tell them something like: It’s impossible to say one’s name in a different accent. (They may try it and succeed and you may know their name now, but you’ll be proven wrong and made to look bad. Proceed at your own risk.)
• Ask them how they spell their name (Won’t be a good idea if their name is Ram or something simple like that, but you’ll be knowing their name. A nice trade off right?)
• Just be honest and apologize, and then ask what their name is. (Don’t try to be smart and say something like “Ah. I knew that. Was just confused.” You’re at fault here; don’t try to cover it up.)

 THE DON’Ts OF DOs

Talk to someone who is alone:

Don’t talk to them if they’re engaged with themselves, like if they’re on their phone.

Talk to them if they’re looking around and not really doing anything.

• Give out compliments:

Don’t give compliments on looks; you’ll come off as a creep.

Give compliments on what they’re wearing.

• Pointing out something:

Don’t point out that they have lost or put on weight; many are self-conscious about such things.

Point out tattoos and how rad they look on them.

• Wear something interesting:

Don’t wear something that is too loud, like neon socks; they’ll think you’re childish.

Wear something that will fetch you compliments, like a nice watch or a lapel pin.

• Shake hands:

Don’t care about how it’s said that people of regard never extend their hand first.

Extend your hand first to let the other person know you’re friendly.

Words: Nirveek PPJ Shah| Photos: Gaurav Xhompate Sunuwar|

Models: Rupesh Shrestha, Rupil Joshi

Patriarchy has been hard in this world. This is not just for women, but for men as well. See, we men are expected to bring home the bread, and if we show a dash of failing to do so, we’re suddenly not men anymore. So we grind ourselves from 9 to 5 just to bring home something that makes falling asleep easier, only to get up the next day and repeat the same thing over and over again. And it is in this process of feeding that we lose track of what’s important: the people we are feeding. While taking care of the whole family is essential, we shall focus on the cornerstone of the family for now: the children. Chances are, the happier you keep the children, happier your Mrs. will be.

1. LOVE YOUR WIFE

The logic behind this first and crucial step is to demonstrate to the child that one should be respectful of others. When a father figure is seen being loving and respectful to his wife, the child quickly learns that s/he should do so too. That way, you’ll bring up a well-mannered child who won’t talk back to you.

2. BE WITH THEM

Children equate time with love. A father who spends time with his children is actually demonstrating interest and enthusiasm in the child’s life. According to various researches, via active participation and direct involvement of dads, children can achieve higher grades, better self-esteem, and are less likely to get into drugs and alcohol. If that sounds like a fair trade off for missing out on beers after work, read on.

3. TAG TEAM

Like your partner in life, your wife and you should double as a team. Be there for each other so that you can be there for the child. One way to approach this is by playing the Good-Cop-Bad-Cop way. Let one of you be supportive of the interests of the child while the other be the controller so that those interests don’t deviate him/her from what is important.

4. CONTROL YOUR DEMONS

None of us are saints, we all have our vices. We know drinking and smoking is bad, but do it anyways. We might have even considered dropping it but relapsed in soon. Let the child be your motivation this time and give up such habits. It’s heartbreaking for any parent to catch their child in the act. And most of the times, the child learn them from their parents. It’d be a good time to stop now.

5. DON’T LAY A HAND ON THEM

Old school parenting seems to have made a leather belt for smacking mandatory. We must have been brought up in that way, and may contribute to the fact that we are at times afraid of our parents. And that’s where the fallacy is; there should be no room for fear in the household. Discipline them, yes, but don’t lay a hand on them. You might get them to do something, but they’ll do it out of fear, not respect.

6. KEEP TRACK OF THEM

Once your child starts going to school, you will not be able to have a close eye on them 24/7. So be active on keeping track of them. Go to parent/teacher meetings, attend sports day, ask them about their homework, upcoming tests, and so on.

7. DON’T BE A STALKER

Now yes, we did tell you to keep track of your kids, but there’s always a chance of overdoing it. Don’t ask them what they did in school every day, go to their school every weak, call up their teachers every other day, and don’t ever be mad at them if they don’t give every detail of every activity they did throughout the day. They’re kids; they learn a new word every two days, not every hour. If you start to do this, they think that it’s more like reporting rather than sharing, which will make you a control freak. You don’t need to have each of their friend’s parent’s number on speed dial.

8. GET OVER IT

Your child may not be able to get straight A’s all the time. In those times when they don’t, or even fail, don’t go at them with all guns blazing. Be mad at them, yes; but get over it quickly. Rather than telling them that they can’t do anything right, let them know that there’s always next time. They’ll do far better this way than from being made to feel guilty.

9. MAKE THEM INDEPENDENT

Often, parents tend to take their child’s project works upon themselves, make it by themselves so that their child will get good score. They might but what we fail to realize that the child didn’t put any effort on the project and this will have two adverse effects; i) they will not learn anything and ii) they will feel that when a difficult task comes their way, their parent will do it for them; hence rendering them independent. Help them, but don’t do it for them.

10. DON’T GOOGLE EVERYTHING

Online articles on how to nurture a child are written on blogs, not stones. The ways worked for them, it doesn’t mean that it will for you. There is no hard and fast rule to parenting; it’s all trial and error. If one thing fails, adopt a new technique, and for once, trust your instincts. You can do it!

Words: Nirveek PPJ Shah & Shreeya Sangroula