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UNORTHODOX : HANGOVER CURES

FEATURE

It’s Friday night. You’ve been working hard and all you want to do is unwind. So you go to the bar with a couple of friends thinking “Meh, a couple of shots, some dancing, two or three beers and I’ll call it a night.” But then you see a shorty by the bar and things come to a screeching halt. All you see is her in slow motion, her hair blows in the wind; she’s like a celestial nymph. Your mouth is dry. “Beer!” The tender hands you a cold one. You chug it down, but your mouth is still dry. You walk up to her. “Hey, I noticed you from way over there and –” You’re interrupted by an enormous steroid gorilla as he puts his hands on her shoulder and walks away with her. You’re on a downward spiral now.

You call out to the tender. Shots. Beers. Whiskeys. Gins. Martinis. A glass of lime water then a few neat vodkas later, you find yourself in your bed. You don’t know how you got there. All that you know is that your head is going to explode and your compatriots have sketched a phallus on your face. Sigh. You love those guys as much as you hate hangovers.

So as usual, you grab your paracetamol from the nightstand and gulp it down with some lime water. But really, does it really work well for you? It isn’t? You want a better solution?

Good, because we’ve got you some unconventional ways to go about it. Sure, you could just draw a pentagram, sacrifice your virgin sister as an offering, summon Satan and give up your  soul in exchange for curing your hangover, but let’s not get that brave right away.

The next time you get sloshed and regret your existence the day-after, If you want to put these to the test right way, the first thing you have to do is get drunk. Nay, absolutely hammered. Drink till you go into autopilot and find yourself in your (or someone else’s) bed. Brush yourself up and try these. Just a disclaimer, none of these are scientifically credited, hence “unorthodoxed”.

GATORADE

You have the permission to go all Breaking Bad and say, “Yo, Gatorade me, bit*h!” The morning after, just gulp down a bottle and you should be feeling better. The drink contains electrolytes and is great for replenishing you with the water you lost last night. If you can’t find Gatorade, Redbull works great too. You’ll get some energy boost and might even get lucky and win Rs.One lakh.

LEMON SLICES

You must be thinking, “Cool, so I eat the lemon garnish that comes with my Bloody Mary.” But not really. What you do is rub them on your arm pits before you get to drinking. Just stuff them in your pits for 15 minutes or so before you head out. People in Puerto Rico do this traditionally and it supposedly keeps you hydrated. And as alcohol wicks moisture away from you, staying hydrated is key. The possible side effects are itchiness if you have sensitive skin and you making a fool of yourself after a few shots and announcing that you’ve rubbed lemon on your pits. Regardless of it working for you or not, it’s guaranteed that you’ll be smelling nice and citrusy.

PRAIRIE OYSTER

Having something salty is great when having a hangover. It sits in your body and absorbs more water. So for this, you’ll need tomato juice, tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper and a raw egg. Eggs contain the amino acid cystine, which is an essential raw material that your liver uses to process the byproducts of alcohol metabolization. The body processes cysteine into glutathione, which helps remove toxins. When you’re hungover, the nausea waves are tingling, and if the idea of swallowing a raw egg upsets you, those waves will turn into seismic level waves and make you sicker. So if you’re not hardcore enough, just gulp down the mixture sans egg.

BULL’S EYE

Like the Prairie Oyster, this too involves a raw egg. So is tomato juice is not your thing, swap it for orange juice and no need for all the spices. OJ contains vitamin C which accelerates alcohol metabolism. So you’ll feel better. Or at least reduce your guilt of drinking too much. Sometimes, it’s all in your head. Really tho, man up and swallow the egg. We dare you.

PIZZLE

Speaking of bulls, this curious remedy comes from Italy. Now you must be wondering, “is it like a pizza that you put together like a puzzle before you eat it?” Although greasy food is great for hangovers, this is not a pizza puzzle. But what it is is dried bull penis. As weird as it may sound (unorthodox remember) bull penises are high in protein, hormones, vitamins and minerals, all of which are great. And who knows it could taste just like Sukuti.

HAIR OF THE DOG

This comes from the expression “The hair of the dog that bit you.” Consuming the hair of the dog that bit you was believed to prevent rabies and this theory sustained into the world of drinking. Now, don’t get any ideas about pinning your dog and shaving the poor creature for your hairy rumblies. It does sound like something your drunk ass would do, but really, get a hold of yourself! What it really is is more drinking. Hangover is actually your body withdrawing from the high of the alcohol. So to counter that shitty feeling, a small portion, say a bottle of beer, is consumed to supply the body with enough alcohol to reach that state of high. This does work but only for a moment. Eventually, it will wear off and you’ll go down again. You might say, “Sure, i’ll bum another cold one.” However, that way, you’ll go down the path of alcoholism. So, do this at your own risk.

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